


Wonpil's Secrets

by rosetintmyworld



Series: Secrets Best Kept [2]
Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7
Genre: Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-08 01:05:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12244113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: Wonpil gets a call from Jinyoung, and his whole world collapses.





	1. The Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> This is a coda to chapter 12. This is from Wonpil's Point of View. Read Secrets Best Kept first before you read this.

I stared at my phone as I walked into my room. I just heard Sungjin on the phone with Jaebum from Got7. We were kind of close with Got7, but it didn’t sound like a friendship call. It sounded like it was something important. I walked into the closet and pressed the call button. It rang a couple of times and before the line clicked. I didn’t wait for Jinyoung to say anything. I didn’t even say hello.

“Jaebum called, asking about JYP, What was that about?” I asked and he cleared his throat.

“Hey Wonpil hyung, I was just- we were wondering if anyone in your group- had any out of place interactions with JYP?” he asked and I paused. I took a deep breath. He didn’t know. He couldn’t know.

“Jinyoung, whatever you’re trying to do, don’t.” I whispered. He would make a big deal out of nothing. He didn’t understand. 

“Has anyone in your group been hurt by JYP?” He asked and I inhaled. I could hear how my voice shook.

“Jinyoung, you don’t really know what you’re messing with, maybe you should just drop it.” I replied. I could feel my hands shaking against the phone.

“Wonpil please-” He begged and I closed my eyes tight. I exhaled before speaking.

“No Jinyoung, nothing like that has happened, I’ve got to go,” I whispered before hanging up. I stared at the phone for a moment. My heart began to race. Jinyoung couldn’t know. He really had no idea. If he did, he wouldn’t- What was he trying to do? He was going to ruin everything.I pushed my phone down into the bottom of the closet under some clothes. I crouched down in the closet and breathed a couple of times. I wrapped a t-shirt over my face and rested my head on my knees. He didn’t know. Maybe some of his members were complaining about being treated a little rough, about being scolded too much or even hit, but he couldn’t think- they didn’t know. I rubbed at the heart on my ring finger.

They didn’t know.

They couldn’t know.

“Wonpil-ah!” I heard and I looked up as the door to the closet opened. 

“What are you doing in the closet, you little weirdo?” Sungjin asked me and I just stared up at him for a moment. 

“Hyung, are you a bear?” I asked him and he rolled his eyes. He held his hand out and pulled me up.

“Why do you say such strange things, Wonpil-ah?” Sungjin asked and I shrugged. 

“Come on, we’re about to eat breakfast.” He said and I nodded. 

“Hyung, were you on the phone with Jaebum-hyung?” I asked and he looked at me. 

“Yes, why?” He asked. 

“What-uh, what did he want?” I asked. 

“Nothing that concerns you. Just leader talk.” He said and I nodded and bit at my lip. 

“I left my phone in the practice rooms. I thought maybe he had found it. Could I go get it?” I asked. 

“Wonpil, we’re about to eat breakfast.” he reminded me and I shrugged. 

“I won’t be long, and I’d rather get my phone before it gets too busy.” I said.

“Do you want someone to go with you? I could get Jae-hyung or Dowoon or-” I shook my head.

“I rather go by myself. I’ll go now and hurry back.” I said and pushed past him. I grabbed my jacket and slid into my shoes. I quickly walked from the dorms and walked down the street. I pulled a sick mask from my pocket and pulled it up over my mouth. It was cold out, the wind blowing around me, and I could believe that it would snow soon. I walked to the main offices and took the elevator up to his office. I bowed at the secretary Noona. She pressed a button the telephone and waved me into the office. I took a deep breath, my hands shaking as I pushed the door open. 

“PD Nim.” I whispered as I bowed. JYP looked up at me from where he sat at his desk. My hand fidgeted with my coat. 

“Yes, Wonpil?” He asked and I bit my lip. 

“Jaebum hyung called Sungjin today, and I talked to Jinyoung. He- he asked me- he was asking questions. Why was he asking questions?” I stammered out. He stood from his desk and walked in front of me. 

“What did he ask?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“Nothing, was just wondering about if we had been hurt- if anything was going on with- he doesn't know, why would he ask if he doesn’t know?” I asked and JYP walked toward me. I looked up at him. He was only 3 inches taller than me, but he always seemed so much bigger.

“Hey, come on, what’s the matter?” He asked me, his hand sliding over my face.

“What’s going on with you and Jinyoung?” I asked quietly. 

“Don’t worry about that. I take care of you, don’t I? I make sure that you get lines, that you get to shine, I make sure that your members don’t find out how you truly are? Don’t I?” He asked and I dropped my head.

“Yes.” I whispered. His hands slid down my arm. They were so big, wrapping around my entire bicep. 

“There is no need to be jealous. You’re still Appa’s favorite Aegi.” He whispered and I nodded. His voice was no more than a growl as his hands pawed at me. He pushed me against the door as he slid a knee between my legs. I could feel his breath hot against my neck. 

“You don’t have to worry about that bothersome Jinyoung, do you hear me, Aegi? Appa will take good care of you.” He said and mauled my neck. I gasped as I knew that he would leave a mark. I nodded and closed my eyes and tried to imagine that I was anywhere but trapped against the wall. JYP held me tight in his jaws and I didn’t think that he would ever let me go.

 

I woke up and took a shower. I quickly washed and walked back to the room to get dressed. The dorm was eerily quiet, but I didn’t care. If the members wanted quiet, I could stay quiet for them. I could faintly hear a television playing from somewhere near the front of the door, but I couldn’t make out quite what they were saying. I pulled on a pair of pants and a sweater. We had rehearsal tonight, but we didn’t have to leave until 5:30 and I took full advantage of the time and slept in until 11:00. JYP had been a lot less demanding since he got mugged. He didn't ask after me so much anymore, and since GOT7 left, things had settled down, all of Jinyoung's stupid questions disappeared. It was getting back to normal again, and that was good. I walked into the living room to see all of my band mate sitting in front of the TV. They all turned toward me eerily in sync and I just looked at them. 

“What’s going on?” I asked and looked up at the television. There was a live feed as JYP was being cuffed and taken from his offices. My eyes widened and my heart sped up. 

They weren't supposed to be cuffing him. He was the one who got mugged, he didn't do anything wrong.

My eyes scanned the screen until I saw the words “sex scandal.”

“Wh-what’s going on?” I stammered out. 

“Wonpil-ah.” Sungjin whispered and I shook my head. 

“What’s going on?” I asked again. 

I didn't understand what was going on, and it didn't make any sense. What could they possibly mean by a sex scandal?

The only person he'd had sex with was me.

Sungjin held up his phone. 

“Why didn’t you tell us? What is this?” Sungjin asked and I didn’t have to look at the phone to know what was on there. I knew JYP had a video of us, I knew what I would see. My breathing sped up and I backed up before running from the room. I could feel as my stomach twisted, and though there was nothing in it, I knew that I was going to throw up. I rushed to the bathroom and fell on my knees, it felt automatic at this point. I threw up, my hand holding onto the toilet seat. I could feel as Sungjin patted my back. I closed my eyes and threw up harder.

How did they find that video? Were they going to arrest me too?

“Please, please tell me, so that I can understand.” He said. 

“I’ve ruined us. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I cried. 

“Shh, don’t apologize. You didn’t ruin us.” He said and I shook my head, because I knew the truth. I rubbed my hand over the heart on my middle finger.

“He-” I stopped myself. I stared at the blank curtain as my mind wandered and I started again. “There is the little kid, and he’s walking through the woods. And in the woods. There is this bear. The bear convinces him that he wants to make him better, that he is doing this to take care of him. The little boy doesn’t like it. But he can’t say no, because he’s different and no one know who he really is. The little boy wanted it to stop, but he doesn’t want to be kicked out, like his friend was. And the little boy has been scared because he sees the bear all of the time and it never stops. He’s always there, even when he is sleeping and- The little boy is scared.” I whispered out. Sungjin dropped down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned back into him.

“Am I a bear- fuck. You tried to tell me. I- Shit, I’m so sorry.” He whispered and I tucked my knees close to myself.

“The other trainees were so young. How long has this been happening? What has been happening?” He asked.

“Since I was a trainee. He- He took some pictures at first and I- it just kept getting bigger and bigger and I couldn’t stop it.” I replied. He held me as I rocked back and forth. It was quiet for a moment, except for my sobs. 

“Jaebum-ssi called. He asked if there was anything strange happening in the band? Asked if we had any complaints against PD-Nim. I told him no. I- I thought he meant money disputes, because they left so suddenly- I didn’t- I didn’t- I had no idea that this was happening to you. I told him no. I didn’t know.” He said and I shook my head.

“Now everyone knows. Everyone has seen me- I- we won’t be able to work again- I- no one is going to want us, and it’s all my fault.” I cried. He shushed me and rocked us back and forth.

“Everyone’s going to hate me. I worked so hard to- no one was supposed to find out. He said that I was the only one. That he lov- It wasn’t supposed to be like this. There wasn’t supposed to be more. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I cried and rubbed at my finger, over and over. I tried to find comfort in it. I couldn’t. 

The thought of there being other trainees made me sick all over again. He told me that I was the only one.

Even when Jinyoung had asked- I couldn't have imagined that there would have been more than the two of us. I couldn't even imagine Jinyoung being involved, much less all those other trainees.

I wasn't even special.

“Hey come on stop. It’s going to be okay.” He whispered and I choked out a sob. 

“No, it won’t. It won’t be okay. Nothing will ever be okay again.” I cried and he ran his hand through my hair. 

Everything was ruined.


	2. Appa's Little Aegi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gives some background on just how this sort of began between Wonpil and JYP

I fiddled with my t-shirt as I walked to Producer-Nim JYP’s office. 

I’d been retrieved by his secretary-noona because he wanted a private meeting with me. 

I was nervous because last time he wanted a meeting with me, he said some very mean things and he made me cry. 

I was afraid of what JYP could want with me. 

We were set to debut soon, our date approaching fast, and we were all working really hard together. 

Day6 was going to be a good thing, I could feel it in my bones. We’d be something unlike other bands, and we’d get to make good music. I could feel it. 

“Hello Park PD-Nim,” I bowed at the man and he waved me into his office. 

He nodded at secretary noona and she closed the door behind her.

I could hear her high heels clicking away down the hall. 

My hand came up to rub at my finger. 

I hadn’t been alone in his office, just me and him for a while.

It made me anxious to be alone with JYP, but I hadn’t told any of the other boys about it. I wasn’t sure they would understand.

I’d tried my best to get his strange behavior out of my mind from our last private meeting. I tried to see him as just my producer and ceo, but I couldn’t shake the feeling like there was something weird going on. 

“What are you doing Wonpil-ah?” The man asked and I bit my lip, looking up at him. 

“Are you nervous?” He asked when I couldn’t answer him. 

I swallowed and nodded again, my finger rubbing at the heart. 

“Well don’t be,” He came around the desk, sitting on the edge in a way that reminded me of an appa scolding a child. 

I couldn’t help but take a step back, feeling like I had done something wrong, but not being able to recall what it was.

“Wonpil-ah, I’m not going to hurt you, I promise,” He grinned wide at me, his smile stretching across his face like that of a bear, ready to rip someone’s limbs off. 

It was supposed to be reassuring.

It was not. 

I rubbed more insistently. 

“Hey, hey there,” He grabbed my hands, stilling them, his large hands wrapping around my palms before sliding up to my thin wrists, encircling them in heat. 

I stilled like a deer caught in headlights.

I felt like prey.

“I wanted to apologize, Wonpil-ah, about what I said last time. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have been so rough on you, I didn’t mean to scare you,” He apologized and I gave him a tight nod, my body still feeling tense in his grasp. Maybe if I agreed, he’d let me leave, and I could put that day behind me.

_ “Come on Wonpil, take your clothes off like the slut you are,” Park PD-Nim yelled at me and I flinched at the sentiment, my hands rubbing over my finger.  _

_ “I’m- I’m not- What makes you think of me like that,” I asked, my hands shaking and my throat tightening.  _

_ “I know all about boys like you Wonpil, what boys like you like, what you want,” He spat and I could feel my vision blurring. _

_ I didn’t want anything, I just wanted to go back to my shared room with Sungjin and hide under the blanket, maybe just cuddle with Dowoon. _

_ “Please stop saying things like that,” I whimpered, wiping at my eyes and he sighed, as if he didn’t know what to do with the crying twenty year old standing in his office. _

I shook my head to get rid of that memory. 

I wanted to put it behind me as a strange occurrence and nothing more.

“I just- I like you so much, and I think you’re so- you’re so good and talented Wonpil-ah, you knock me off my feet,” He confessed and I looked up the man, some of the tension leaving my body.

“What?” I asked softly and he pulled me closer to him so that I was standing in between his legs. 

“You’re special Wonpil-ah, you’re Appa’s little aegi,” he breathed and I gulped but looked down at the man’s hands that were still linked around mine.

“You fluster me, and I don’t know what to say, do you know what that means?” He asked and I nodded even though I didn’t really know what he was talking about.

How could he feel that way about me?

“I want so much for you, I want so much for you and your band. I want to make you stars, I want to make you a shining star, like you deserve to be Wonpil,” He began and I tried to stay still as my heart ticked up. 

“I want to make sure you have lines, I want to make sure you’re taken care of, as long as you make me happy,” He breathed, stepping even closer to me.

“Wonpil?” He asked, his head resting on top of mine. I could feel the heat of his breath on my scalp. 

“Could you do me a favor?” He asked and I nodded, dislodging his head. He pulled away slightly to give me some room.

“Could you cheer me up?” He requested and I raised an eyebrow at him. 

“What do you mean?” I asked uncertainly and he bit his lip, looking down at me. 

“I think I need to see some aegyo, do you think you could do some aegyo for me?” He asked and I nodded, puffing out my cheeks and pushing my finger into where a dimple would be. 

I shot him finger hearts, feeling bolder and braver because I liked doing aegyo and I was good at it, even if Sungjin hyung didn’t like it. 

“You’re so good at cheering me up Wonpil-ah, appa’s little aegi is so good, isn’t he?” JYP asked and I blushed under his praise before looking back down at the ground. 

“Will you do appa another favor?” He asked and I nodded at the man, hoping he’d praise me again for a job well done.

It seemed like lately all we’d been hearing as a band were critiques and it was nice to be told that I was good for once. 

“Will you touch yourself?” He asked and I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Touch myself where?” I asked and he smirked softly, back to trying to disarm me.

“Down there,” He whispered, gesturing to my sweatpants and I could feel my face heat up.

“Why?” I asked, my voice cracking and those hands were back, circling my wrist, his thumb rubbing against the protruding bone. 

“I want to see, it would make appa happy, to make sure that his aegi is healthy. Don’t you want me happy Wonpil-ah?” He asked and I nodded, looking down at the loose sweatpants I was wearing. 

He let me go, leaning away from me on the desk and I closed my eyes, my mind darting away from me like a little boy frolicking through the woods as I untied the drawstrings.


	3. What does consensual mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonpil talks to some lawyers and confronts Jinyoung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is a bit more descriptive with the rape, be careful. I'll include a summary at the bottom if you need to skip it. Just skip the italics

I sat and stared at the television screen. I had seen this image so many times. It seemed on a constant loop behind my eyelids. It was my nightmare, except waking up didn’t make it better. Nothing made it better.

I had memorized the way that JYP’s hips flexed. The way he caressed my head before pulling on my hair tightly was committed to my memory.

_ “Careful with your teeth, Aegi, you don’t want to hurt Appa, do you?” He asked, pulling me off. I blinked back the tears in my eyes.  _

_ “No, Appa.” I replied, my voice hoarse. He ran his hands through my hair, soothing my scalp.  _

_ “Good boy.” He whispered before pulling me back to him.  I sat on my knees in front of him, my arms behind my back. He was shirtless, with his pants halfway down his legs.  He was sitting in this chair and I was kneeled between him and his desk, where I could be easily pushed under if there was a visitor. Behind him was a big glass window. You could see so much of Seoul through it. You couldn’t see that in the video though. You had to have been there. _

_ His thrusts were getting rough and I was crying now, full on sobs that were being swallowed by his moans. I pinched hard at the back of my thigh. You couldn’t see that in the video either.  _

_ “Take it, take it!” He chanted, grabbing my hair again. He shouted and I tried to pull away. “Swallow it. Swallow it all.” He said and I did as he said. I always did as he said.  _

_ “Good boy. Good Aegi.” He whispered. I looked up at him and the video ended. All I could see was my blank eyes staring up at him. _

 

They paused the video and I stared into those eyes. There was nobody behind them. 

“Okay, so, obviously that was quite vulgar and very inappropriate for any man, no matter the age. But how do we prove that it wasn’t consensual?” JYP’s lawyer asked. I looked from my lawyer to him. 

“Excuse me, what does consensual mean?” I asked and JYP’s lawyer laughed. I bit the inside of my cheeks, feeling my face flush.

I didn’t like the way they made me feel, I didn’t like it when they laughed at me.

“It means how do we know that Appa’s little Aegi, didn’t want it.” His lawyer sneered, his voice slow like he was talking to a child.

“I didn’t!” I protested but my lawyer shushed me. 

“I’m sorry, but I see a grown man having sex with another grown man, while it is disgusting- The only charges I think we could press on him would be reciprocal rape, which might I remind you, has not been upheld often, and seeing as Park Jinyoung is on the receiving end of these- services-I think that Kim Wonpil would have to face the same penalties as Park Jinyoung.” He said and I turned to my lawyer. 

“What? But I didn’t do anything- I didn’t want him to do that stuff to me! I didn’t want that nickname! I only did it because he said he would help me, that he wanted me to be better!” I said and my lawyer shushed me again. 

“Ignore him. He is just saying these things to rile you up.” My lawyer spat and I crossed my arms. He was always shushing me, they always were. 

I wasn’t supposed to speak, wasn’t supposed to make a move without them telling me to.

It was the same with JYP.

“Barring all of this, We still have him on multiple counts of child pornography.” My lawyer argued. 

“That is circumstantial at best. He’s a producer for idol groups, some of his trainees have been with him since they were in elementary school, of course he had pictures of them. The entire industry is built on their looks.” He said and I covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear anymore of their lies. These wolves were working with the bear. They didn’t care about the little boy. They didn’t care at all.

 

I stepped into the hallway and was met by Sungjin. 

“How was it?” He asked and I just shook my head. I couldn't even begin to find the words for what that was in there. He pulled me into a hug and I gladly took it. My band members were suddenly a little more reserved toward me, so I didn't get the opportunity to get comforted like that anymore. I knew it wasn’t what happened to me that made them like that. They still loved me, but they didn't want the media to take it the wrong way. I understood. He pulled away before looking around. 

“Hey, it’s Jaebum and Jinyoung.” He said and I turned to where he was looking. I saw Jinyoung standing against the wall. Jaebum was standing in front of him, rubbing at his arms. Jinyoung nodded and turned his head. He saw me. 

“Wonpil hyung!” He called and I clenched my fists. Jinyoung stepped away from Jaebum and toward me. 

“Hyung! How are you?” He asked and I could feel my hands shaking. I threw a punch and knocked him down. I dropped on him. 

“Hey! What the fuck!” Jaebum yelled. He grabbed me and pulled me off, throwing me into a wall. 

“Do you want to die?” Jaebum threatened me. I clenched my teeth. 

“What are you doing Jaebum! Let him go!” Sungjin said and tried to pull him away. 

“Wonpil-” Jinyoung looked up at me. 

“How could you do this to me? My life is ruined and it’s all because of you! I told you to leave it alone!” I yelled. My voice wavered through the tears. 

“I didn’t know this would happen!” He yelled back and I pushed against Jaebum’s hold, finally pushing him off with Sungjin’s help.

“Why would you leak those pictures? Why did you leak that video! My entire life is ruined now!” I yelled and he shook his head, taking a step back as if he didn’t know who I was.

“Wonpil- I didn’t- I would never do that.” He said. 

“Liar! Who else could have done it! You were the only one asking questions! Just stay away from me!” I yelled and Sungjin pulled me away. I broke away from him and pushed into the bathroom. I ran some water and cupped my hands under it. I was crying. I could feel Sungjin patting my back. I splashed some water on my face and looked up in the mirror. Water rolled down my face and over my lips. I stared into those eyes. There was nobody behind them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the summary, it's not a big part, and I wanted to be vague as to not trigger anyone who skipped that moment. Basically Wonpil watches the video that had been leaked, in this video wonpil is under the desk and JYP is recording. Wonpil is commenting on the fact that there are a lot of things that you wouldn't be able to see if you weren't in the room.


	4. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonpil decides to end it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is heavy, and the suicide is kind of graphic, may be triggery. I'm sorry. I don't want to glorify suicide at all, so please tell me if that is what's happening, I just want everyone to be safe and if you need to, talk to me in my inbox, whatever you need. Be safe lovelies.

I got out of the shower, running a towel over my hair before defogging the mirror. My hair flopped into my eyes, and I pushed it to the side before giving myself a look in the mirror. I opened the cabinet and pulled down my medicine, reading the label before closing the cabinet. I opened the medicine container before turning on the spigot, filling the cup that Sungjin kept on the sink for me with water.

I’d convinced Sungjin to go out today, convinced him I’d be fine by myself for a while, asked him to bring home dinner. 

Hopefully that would give me enough time.

I poured the pills out on the counter, looking at the little pressed tablets. 

This would be the way. 

It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong.

I was sick.

So, I would take some medicine to make everything better.

I’d gone to the doctor for this stuff, because of everything that happened with JYP.

I’d been prescribed medicine because I suffered from anxiety they thought, from what happened. 

I didn’t go into public anymore, and Sungjin didn’t leave my side. 

All the other boys left, but I didn’t blame them. 

It was bad news being tied to me, and they had a chance to move on, to make themselves better, to get some distance.

I’d encouraged Sungjin to do the same, he could still be what he wanted to, he still had talent and a chance, he could move on.

But he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to leave me alone.

It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that he wouldn’t get the hint and just leave me alone because I was only going to get in his way. 

I was only going to hurt his chances.

I wanted him to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t.

Well, that wasn’t the truth.

I didn’t want Sungjin to actually leave me alone, because I was selfish, I wanted him with me, I wanted him to stick with me.

But that wasn’t fair to him.

It wasn’t fair to him that my stupid fucking heart betrayed me, that it went looking for love because of what JYP did to me and found Sungjin somewhere along the way.

I wanted Sungjin to take care of me, to love me, to show me how it felt to be loved again.

But he wasn’t like that.

He didn’t see me like that, and I couldn’t make him love me like that. 

I could just swallow my feelings, and try to move on.

Well, not move on.

I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t go home. 

I couldn’t go anywhere in South Korea anymore, because everyone knew… they knew that I was  _ different _ .

They knew that I’d let JYP-

I had no respite. 

I was trapped no matter what. 

I picked up a little pressed pill, putting it on my tongue before taking a swig of water. 

I began to down each pill one by one before realizing that it was going to take too long and the water was starting to fill my stomach uncomfortably.

the only thing this was going to do was make me have to pee. 

I went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of beer before coming back to my small mound of pills. 

I’d read online that this would make it work better. 

Apparently it was harder than people thought to overdose on pills. 

All those movies made me think you just swallow some pills and that’s it. 

But Ativan wasn’t as easy to go on like that.

It needed help. 

I had originally looked up different ways to go, and I had settled on pills. I was going to take ibuprofen, because we had plenty of that hanging around, and  Sungjin didn’t constantly monitor it like he monitored the pills the doctors gave me. But, Ibuprofen overdose was really hard, you had to take nearly two hundred pills for that, it took four hours and it hurt. I didn’t want to hurt. I wanted it to be like falling asleep, just closing my eyes and then not waking up again.

But to have my stomach and chest hurt so much and feel that sick, only to maybe not die, that wasn’t something I wanted.

I scooped up a handful of pills, pouring it in my mouth before washing it away with the beer. 

I did the same to the remaining pills before looking down at the empty bottle. 

It was done.

I walked into my room, grabbing a pen and paper.

I should leave Sungjin something, to let him know what I was doing this for. 

He could guess, but I didn’t want him to be upset that I hadn’t thought to leave a note. 

_ I’m sorry i’m leaving you like this, I didn’t want to die- _

I balled the paper up, throwing it onto the floor.

That wasn’t the truth. 

I did want to die, I couldn’t lie to him, not now.

_ You have a second chance hyung, you can go home, you don’t have to take care of me now, make sure I don’t break, because I’m already broken, and that’s okay. I’m going to be happy now and I need you to be happy too- _

I crumpled that one up too.

_ I loved you. I love you _

I crumpled that one up.

_ Thank you for staying with me, thank you for taking care of me. I know this was rough on you, but i wanted to go. You took good care of me, you were a good hyung, I wanted to get better, wanted to be better for you, but I can’t, and it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. After all, you never touched me like that, you never hurt me the way he hurt me. I just can’t do better. I wanted to be a better Wonpil, I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want the world to find out what he did to me. I wanted us to keep going, for our group to soar to new heights. But that didn’t happen, and it won’t happen. In the end, I’ll always be Kim Wonpil, the pervert who fucked JYP. In the end, I’ll always be on my knees, staring up at that camera, I’ll still be under that desk with his dick in my mouth. That’s all I’ll ever be and I’d rather be nothing than be that anymore. _

I crumpled that letter up as well, letting it join the others on the floor.

_ Hyung, I’m sorry. _

I crumpled that up, throwing it on the floor and putting the notepad on the bedside table. 

There was nothing I could say. 

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t explain it.

I went to the kitchen, downing a couple more beers before going back to my room. 

I got under the blanket, my skin feeling warm from the shower I’d taken before. it felt nice to lay down, to know that it was going to be all over soon.

I closed my eyes.

 

“Wonpil-ah, I’m home!” Sungjin called and I opened my eyes slowly

“Wonpil-ah, I brought some food, where are you at?” He called and I opened my mouth, trying to call out to him.

He wasn’t supposed to be here yet, he was supposed to be out for a little longer. 

“Are you in bed, already? I thought you wanted to have dinner tonight.” 

His voice was closer than it should have been. 

I felt hands on my face and I was rolled over. 

“Wonpil- Wonpil what did you do?” Sungjin asked and I tried to answer him but my mind was moving too slow. There was something wet on my pillow.

I’d thrown up.

“I’m tired- I’m so tired hyung,” I muttered weakly and he tried to sit me up.

My body flopped back.

I wasn’t in control of it anymore. 

Was I ever in control?

“What did you do? What did you do, you idiot?” He asked and my eyes closed again.

“No, no don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes, Wonpil, you stay with me, please,” He begged and I tried to, but it really wasn’t happening.

My eyes didn’t want to open, and it was getting too hard to breathe deeply.

The website did say that was going to happen. At least it was going to be like falling asleep.

He was digging in his pocket, looking for his phone presumably to call the police or something. 

I was zoning out.

“How many did you take? How many did you take?” He asked hurriedly and I shrugged, my head lulling to the side.

“‘msorry,” I muttered and he pushed my hair out of my face, I hadn’t realized I’d sweat so much earlier. Now I was cold. 

“it’s okay, you’re going to be okay, they’re going to be here soon, you’ll be okay, I promise, we’ll get you all fixed up, you’re going to be okay,” He explained. 

“s’cold.” 

“I know, here, we’ll put the blanket up on you, you’ll be okay, they’ll be here soon,” He whispered and I tried my hardest to savor being that close to him. 

‘scared,”

“Me too, I’m scared too, but, but hyung will make it better, hyung will make it better,”

My eyes were drooping heavily and my tongue felt too big in my mouth. 

“Imdie”

“No, no you’re not going to die, you’re not going to die, you’ll be okay, and we’ll be okay, I promise, they’re on their way. They’ll be here soon, don’t worry, don’t worry, baby they’ll be here,” He was stroking my face and I wanted him to never stop.

My concentration was shot and I could feel his tears falling on my face. 

“You were so good pil-ah, you didn’t deserve this, any of what they did to you.”

“Good?’

“so good, your heart was so good, and you were so sweet, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed. I love you, I love you so much, so much.” He sobbed, holding me closer to him and I tried to hold onto the warmth.

_ I love you too _

“Hurry damn it!” Sungjin yelled in satoori but that was the last thing I heard as my mind buzzed with electricity.

And then, nothing.


End file.
